The B-Line or Cloud 9 ?

It's not my normal way to work. I'm on a different route, not my usual bus, there is no skytrain at all on this journey. I haven't changed jobs, no I haven't, but this commute is changing my mood. Stand in line like cows herding to the pastures in the morning. I miss a bus because it's too full, no more room. A blessing I will be thankful for. If I see so many here with me, how can I feel alone, today it's just stress. The bus I take is crowded with only one spot for standing room directly in front of me. Missing that last bus was a good thing. It only stops at three stops before I get off, you were at the second. The only spot near the front door, you came towards me, no eye contact. You are full of power, in this bus, which steals mine. Your skin is soft and flawless, but some how not perfect. Hair tied back in a braid, you use your umbrella to hook the overhead hand rail. Leveraging the handle to lean over and adjust your bag, you have two of them, this one over your shoulder. You are facing the other direction, your back against my chest, but not touching. I can feel a small twinge of energy. Eerily, I am moved; by such a stranger? Your scent familiar, is full of fruit, it's your hair; no your essence. Feeling so closely like a commercial the bus stops abruptly. We don't bump, I try hard to make sure of it. I feel as if you are purposefuly ignoring me, by choice. I'm so wrapped up in my head game, I don't notice the girl next to us who's smiled at me. The next few blocks are jerky, with lots of turbulance, but I'm so taken by everything. Your jacket is made of dark denim, your skirt flowing, with elegant and simple shoes. I consider the possibilities of our social circles overlapping. Afterall, some of your decor looks hand made. Especially your earrings, they have been crafted by someone who cared. Sleek twisted curves with brown marble stone at the droops of each spiral. I get lost in the swirls, I think about how I could possibly know you in real life; I am swept away by fantasy. My thoughts sifting through a made up future, where the bus represents our lives. Some times turbulant, sometimes smooth, but always in sync. Swaying together through the entire ride, our arms are both at a ninety degree angle, holding the bar above us. As we shift they move perfectly as one, like the turning wheels of a car. Have I been looking at your neck? That's not good, this is a bus. Is this my stop? I find myself moving away from you quickly, the fantasy leaves my mind- just as fast. The eternity of that moment, the depth of our possibilities, is simply past. As I step off the bus love is in the air and it's not Monday; but I'm a little wiser. Now I haven't asked you your name, again...

Gracefully shameful

I think twice whenever I am put in a situation that makes me feel like my back is up against the wall. There was a time in my life, when that would make me "react".

I've stopped this approach lately. The reason is that I've come to realize, there is a fine line, between the possible outcomes in these situations. Shame and grace are very closely aligned, regardless of the fact they make us feel very different, when we experience them.

I only have one example of how this is true. At least in story form.

The other day I was coming home from work. In my usual fashion, I unloaded my pockets onto the table that sits between my living room and kitchen. Everything goes in a pile, so that later I'm not lost as to where it might be.

Earlier I had been at a store, and the line of people behind me, caused me to separately put my bank card in my pants pocket. I'm usually pretty methodical about putting it back in the wallet, but not this time. After emptying my pockets, I got out of my work clothes and went about my evening. The next day at work, I went to lunch with a coworker, while ordering she offered to buy me lunch.

This was a nice gesture and I was appreciative. Especially since it had been at my favourite lunch stop in. I was on the fence about allowing her to buy my lunch, to be honest. I was questioning her motives, even though there was absolutely no reason to do so. Regardless, she bought lunch and we went on with our day.

Later in the evening as I went home from work, I stopped to buy some transit tickets, finding myself in a bind. I pulled my wallet out and went to pay. Low and behold, no card. No tickets.

Further more, I was now considering the possible outcomes of the earlier situation.

You see, I had ordered my food, before she offered to buy it for me.

If she had not offered to buy my lunch I would have been a wee bit embarrassed. However, being embarrassed and being an ass are two different things. You see as I internally reacted to my questions of her motives, I nearly got upright indignant about her buying my lunch. I was a millisecond from sounding off to her (and most likely the woman behind the counter) about how I could not possibly accept such an offer. Imagine what would have happened then, if thirty second later, I had pulled out an empty wallet; no bank card. I would have gone from a free lunch, to begging for help.

It was only a moment of difference between these two possible outcomes. As I got home and found my card in my previous day's pants, I smiled. With grace.

Because it all happens for a reason, it all matters and it should all be considered.

Go in grace and.. just remember.